Day 68: Happy Birthday to Me

Well, I’m officially 28 years old. 28 years of life, as we understand it. 28 years of ups, downs, and all around. Everyone has always told me that time goes faster the older you get and, so far, that’s proven true. Sometimes it feels like I merely blinked, and another week has gone by. One part of me obsesses over this. That part wants desperately to grab a hold of time and force it to a screeching halt. That part can’t stop looking at the faint lines slowly appearing around my eyes and ever depending on my forehead. That part wants to pluck out the sneaky grey hairs that stand out so boldly against the rest. Yet another part of me, the more rational side whose less influenced by photoshopped beauties on the front of glossy magazines, is at peace with time. She smiles politely at its passing and whispers soothing things about anytime being a privilege and life’s imminent expiry is what makes it so beautiful. These two sides of me are at a quiet war in my head. I hope that one day, the rational side can coax my irrational side into acceptance.

During the-dark-days, the days when I hated myself and the world with such venom, I did anything I could to drown them out, I often thought about dying. I wondered over and over what it would be like to be buried in the soil, feel its damp weight upon me. I wondered endlessly what the point in it all was, why bother? I also wondered if I was to die right then and there, could I go peacefully, content with the life I lived. It was a resounding no. I knew I was far from living a life in alignment with my values and soul. I knew, deep down, that the drugs and alcohol were keeping me a prisoner. I wasn’t entirely sure what life looked like without them, but I had a suspicion it was a little brighter than the suffocating blackness I was living in. Low and behold, I’m now sober and it turns out my suspicion was right: life is brighter. In fact, life is GLOWING. I hope that I’ve still got lots of life left to live, and I’m certainly giving myself a better chance of it these days. But in the event that wasn’t the case, if I was to die right now at 28, I know I could go somewhat peacefully because I know that, finally, I’m living a life in alignment with my values and soul. And that, even if it’s a mere snapshot in time, is such a beautiful truth that it makes all of it worth it.

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