It has almost been a week since I decided to show up for myself and ditch the booze in favour of a life spent present. I’ve been here many times before so a part of me doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal. But it is. When I started on this journey almost two years ago, I drank and took drugs A LOT. My weekends were lost to chaos. I drank from the moment I finished work, dragging poor unfortunate souls to the pub with me, telling myself I was just living the big city lifestyle. At some point very early on in the night, all my inhibitions would be gone and the devil’s dandruff would make an appearance. I wouldn’t sleep for at least 24 hours, sometimes not until Sunday night. I tried to convince myself it was fun, wild, what you’re supposed to do in your 20s. In reality, I just didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I didn’t want to face the quiet and be forced to confront my demons. Little did I know, I was only helping them to grow stronger,
Well, that started like the start of a very depressing gothic novel. Back to the good stuff: Not drinking on a Friday used to feel impossible but it doesn’t anymore. Last night I was exhausted from a non-stop week of work. A voice whispered to me “wouldn’t it be nice to treat yourself to a glass of wine?” which was an odd pitch because I’m rarely a wine drinker. Know your audience addictive voice. Jeeze. Anyway, I politely told that voice to f*ck off. I enjoyed herbal tea and got an almost embarrassingly early night. With my mind, body, and spirit well-rested, I woke at 5:30 this morning full of life. Now, here I am at 6 am, sipping coffee, enjoying the quiet and writing away. It’s amazing. There were more times than I can remember when I was still up at this time, feeling terrible as the comedown kicked in. Anxiety and shame suffocating me, driving me to just-keep-drinking-just-don’t-sober-up.
The rest of my day looks starkly different to my severely-not-okay-hiding-as-a-party-girl-days too. I’m attending my first ever in-person yoga call. It’s time to branch out from at-home yoga and give the real world ago (although I have to say, Yoga with Adriene has changed my life.) What is more, I’m attending the class alone, like a real grown-up who lives her own life. This is a big deal for me: I very rarely have the confidence to do things alone. But it’s time to push me out of my comfort zone. I strongly suspect that one of the reasons I’ve had so many day ones is I’ve continued to live the same routine, sans booze. It takes more than that which is an equally terrifying and exciting prospect.
Well, that’s all my rambling for now. Hope you all have a beautiful day.