Today I looked after myself. Like, I really looked after myself. I don’t just mean I brushed my teeth and remembered to put deodorant on. Rather, I put to use pretty much every resource in my toolbox of sobriety and self-care. This breaking of the mold from good old fashioned mental-flagellation started after I finished writing yesterday’s inaugural post. It felt like a little weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had made some sense of the jumble inside my head and shared a simple truth: I want to stay sober. After that and a good night’s kip, I woke up feeling renewed. There had been a shift within. I wanted to own the day and put into practice all that’s I’ve spent the last (almost) two years learning. I kicked the day off with water before dehydrating myself with coffee; I made a gratitude list; I listened to calming music; I caught my negative self-talk in its track and replaced it with kind, gentle, encouraging thoughts; I read on my lunch break rather than zoning out to Netflix; I looked for the positives to focus on throughout the day; I practiced yoga and stretched out my creaky joint; now, I’ve come full circle and I’m writing. For the first time in quite a while, I feel connected to myself. I feel present and not like I’m watching my life play out undirected before me. My anxiety and “low mood” as the therapist put it, has stayed almost completely at bay. I can breathe.
I guess what I’m getting at is today could have looked very different. I could have not committed and stayed uncomfortably in my comfort zone. I could have let the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, I’m a failure, I’m worthless run the show. But I didn’t. I showed up for myself. Is it a coincidence that today is the first day I’ve felt the ever so slight vibrations of my authentic self? That sober, confident, spiritually content woman who is currently buried beneath too-many-day-ones and fear. I think not. I think it’s the universe showing me I’m on the right path: sobriety will bring me back to myself.
Anyway, long story short, be kind to yourself. It’s worth it.