Day One: A Fresh Sober Start

It’s a beautiful night for a fresh start. The perfect time to end a cycle. A wonderful moment to commit and hope. Now is Day One on this sober journey. Here, to you, is where I proclaim it.

Okay, so it’s not really my first day one, it’s probably closer to my thousandth. I’ve been swearing off alcohol since I was about 18, maybe younger. But my sober journey truly started almost two years ago when I arrived in 2020 exhausted, broken, and desperate. The party girl lifestyle (read: numbing myself of emotions in an attempt to keep the swirling abyss of my thoughts quiet) had finally caught up with me. I knew that I needed to stop the booze and drugs. They were killing me in every sense of the word. Although, you wouldn’t necessarily have been able to tell. Other than looking ever so slightly dead behind the eyes, my life appeared perfectly in order. Educated to Masters level, promoted several times within a short space of time, a stable(ish) relationship all indicated I was absolutely-fine-and-dandy. But in the words of Titanic’s suicidal girl-with-everything: “Inside, I was screaming.”

So, with my soul in shatters and bank balance even worse, I set out to test the unknown waters of sobriety. Low and behold, I fell in love. Life was amazing sober. I kid you not. Who knew that mornings unplagued by hangovers and comedowns could be so bright? Who knew that the sound of birds doesn’t sound like a death cry if you’re waking up to them rather than finishing a “session” with them? Who knew you could have energy and feel, dare I say, happy when you’re not pumping yourself with a steady stream of poison? Pretty much every except me it turned out. When I first went sober, I couldn’t believe that people had real lives outside of drinking and partying. Some of my favorite sesh-heads had actual, respectable hobbies that I never knew about. It turned out that not everyone spent the weekends dying of shame and regret. What a revelation! I was learning so much in sobriety. It felt like I was starting to live in the light again after a very long time of scrambling in the dark. It wouldn’t be dramatic for me to say that during Sober Spring, a three-month sabbatical from booze, I had never felt better.

It all sounds wonderful, right? It was too. But I tend to self-sabotage. I get unconformable when life seems to be going a little too well. I worry endlessly about what will come next. Thus, seemingly inevitably, drinking creeps back into my life. But it’s not inevitable. I have a choice and agency (or so I’m told, anyway.) So, here I am today choosing sobriety. I’ve managed to stock my sober toolkit up well since Dry January 2020, but I still have a long way to go and I’ll be documenting it all here. Why? Because writing is my refuge…when I’m not knocking back Sambuca that is.

Well, thank you for reading my ramblings. Here’s me raising a glass to a new Day One (just kidding, it’s a mug of peppermint tea.)

P x

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